Jylkkäri has got hold of the media guide of the National Rifle Association. We will now publish parts of the manual that instructs NRA-members how to deal with mass shootings and the inevitable media scrutiny afterwards.


Chapter 8 – In the event of a mass shooting:

1: Emphasize that this is a time to pray for the victims and offer help to the families. Remember also to add that this is not the time for politics. Blame anyone, who tries to understand why the tragedy took place, as insensitive and opportunistic.

2: Tell anyone who is willing to listen that guns don`t kill people, people do.

3: Make absolutely clear that the shooter was a bad guy with a gun. Add that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun.

4: In the (likely) event that the shooter was a regular, Christian, working class family man, blame immigrants or mental health professionals. If someone asks, why does one need a military grade assault rifle in a safe neighborhood, look at point number 9. Also, demand more money for mental health care systems but make sure to vote for a political party that thwarts all reasonable and necessary reforms.

5: Tell anyone who is willing to listen that guns don`t kill people, people kill people.

6: If you are presented with irrefutable evidence that suggest that the number of guns has direct correlation with homicides and random shootings, always offer the same solution: We need more guns to protect ourselves.

7: Tell anyone who is willing to listen that guns are not the problem, people are.

8: Repeat phrases like ”We have the right to protect our children”, ”What about the safety of our children”, ”We want to keep our children safe from harm”, etc. If someone points to a (yet again) recent event, where a small kid got hold of his/hers parents gun and shot someone from his/hers immediate family (like his/hers little brother/sister), dismiss the incident as an aberration.

9: Plead to the Second Amendment of the Constitution (even though it`s clearly an outdated piece of legislation). Try to find a semiliterate redneck with a confederate flag on his belt buckle to shout to a reporter about his constitutional rights. The redneck doesn`t have to understand what a constitution means, if he can shout loud enough. The louder, the better.

10: Try to make gun ownership the number one priority in politics. When you have succeeded in getting all the smelly, redneck hillbillies, who are afraid that someone might take their toys away, to vote for you, tap yourself in the back. Then, use their votes to pass laws which benefit the elite, not the actual voters.

11: Dismiss the fact that tens of thousands of people are shot every year in America by normal people and that many of the unnecessary deaths could be prevented with stricter gun laws.